I am by nature an obsessive compulsive person. I admit that, in general, these tendencies have served me well. And, with my son's current medical and physical challenges, once again these obsessive compulsive tendencies have helped me to meet his many needs. For example, Max is on a very regimented medication and feeding schedule. The medications are time sensitive, and his feedings are rate/volume dependent as he continues to rely on tube feedings for nourishment. I keep a daily log that includes time, meds, feedings, diapers and any observations that might be relevant to how he's tolerating his feedings. I have notebooks full of daily entries that date back to the day of his discharge from the NICU, over 3 years ago! Give me a date, and I can tell you how much he "ate", how many diapers he had, when he slept and whether or not he was "sick". And, on more than one occasion, I have referred to these detailed entries when providing medical history for my son, especially with GI related issues.
But, there is a down side to this obsessiveness. I am exhausted. I am exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally. I feel as if I can't decrease my level of vigilance because, if I do, I might miss something...even though I don't know what that something is. When Max coughs, do I dismiss it as "just a cough" or is it a symptom of something more troublesome, something that could lead to another hospitalization, or take us down a path of no return? It's very different with my daughter, who was born full term and has, to date, been extremely healthy. I don't worry when she has a cough or a runny nose. I also don't worry about how much she eats, or what she eats. I trust her. I trust that she'll eat when she's hungry, drink when she's thirsty, and her immune system is strong enough to fight off whatever may come her way.
Ultimately, my obsessiveness is an attempt to have some control over the uncontrollable. Perhaps that is why I'm so tired...because I know that no matter how vigilant I am, I can not guarantee that my son will not get sick, that he won't have to struggle, that he won't continue to face the challenges that are the consequence of his extreme prematurity.
6 comments:
Trying to stay in control is very tiring....remember this parenthood thing is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself : )....and practice letting something go once in awhile.
Control over the uncontrollable....
I know exactly what you mean. But the fact that we know it's futile doesn't stop us from trying.
It must be hard to let go- even if you know some of the things you are holding onto are no longer necessary. The beginning of his life was so precarious, and you suffered a terrible loss, and so how can you not want to do everything in your power (and beyond) to protect him?
I am not in your situation so I won't pretend to have any answers. I will just say that I hope you find a way to give yourself a little rest now and then.
I know the need to keep track of something to feel in control only all too well. You must be exhausted. I am sorry.
Dear Jodi, Niobe, Lori and Julia --
Thank you all for your words of sympathy, understanding and wisdom. I am trying to imagine this need to control as a nob by which I can, at the very least, turn down the intensity every once in a while.
And, as Jodi suggested, I definitely need to pace myself.
Thank you again! And take good care.
Heesun
Exactly.
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