Catching Up

Hello Friends. For those of you who have been checking back, and wondering just why it's taken so long for me to post a new entry, I apologize for the lack of effort on my part. March was a strange month for me. Not only were we recovering from the kids' illnesses in February, my husband and I also embarked on another foray into the world of infertility. Our babies were all conceived through IVF; and we have/had two frozen embryos from our cycle with our daughter, Jozey. In January, Chris and I decided it was time to try with a frozen transfer. We did our first cycle in March.....and it ended in a chemical pregnancy.

We're planning on another transfer mid April, so it's possible this might be my only entry this month as well. Frozen transfers are definitely easier on the body (not as many medications); but still very emotionallly stressful. I didn't think I would feel as stressed; but I do. I am hoping that this last attempt will work for us and we'll be able to add one more healthy child to our family.

I feel as if everything else is on hold until we know whether or not we're going to have another child. Getting pregnant is just the first step...because then there's the actual pregnancy. Unfortunately, I don't have a very good track record there either with Max and Zoey being born at 26 weeks, and landing on bedrest with Jozey at 24 weeks. But, I've just been feeling like we need to get to the other side of all this potential baby making. I love being a mom; but I do see a time when the children are older, that I may have time to pursue some outside interests, maybe even go back to school and finish that graduate degree I started way back when.....

On another topic entirely -- we took the kids to a Wiggles concert in Los Angeles this past weekend. What a blast! They put on quite a performance and both kids loved it to bits. Max was a bit overwhelmed for the first few minutes, adjusting to the sound and visual stimulation (overstimulation). But, once he felt comfortable, he was on his feet for the remainder of the show, dancing and singing away. It's the longest I've seen him on his feet.....ever! And Jozey was just as enthralled with all the action and music. What a fantastic experience for all of us.

Where oh where did the month go???

I can't believe February is almost over! Ugh! The month has been quite a blur. Both kids got sick early in the month. Both kids ended up on antibiotics. And, I've had to keep Max home from school since the beginning of the month. While Jozey seems to be doing better (although she did start blowing some nasty green gunk from her nose today), Max has been fighting and fighting. The antibiotics gave him a bad case of diarrhea and, although we're finished with the meds, he's still experiencing severe diarrhea. Thank goodness for the g-tube -- we've at least been able to keep him hydrated and somewhat nourished. He's had blood tests to check his blood count and electrolytes and a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. So far, so good. Now we're just waiting on stool cultures to determine whether or not he may have some sort of intestinal infection. Fun, right??? We had one day where Max had a dozen diarrhea diapers! He's lethargic and has no interest in doing anything other than watching videos.

It has been a frustrating month. I feel so helpless during these times. I wonder if I'm missing a symptom that might give us a clue as to why he's been so sick. I wonder if the current medication regime to treat his chronic medical issues might actually contribute to what is going on right now.

I know that we just need to get to the other side of this situation; that this experience will add to my knowledge base about Max's medical needs. But, that doesn't make the day to day any easier.

Thinking About the Future

I know, it's been a while since I last posted; and it's not for lack of anything to say -- rather, I've been having trouble clarifying exactly what it is I WANT to say...does that make any sense? Much has been brewing these past few weeks, but I think the most pressing subject on my mind these days is pondering Max's future, and I'm not even thinking long term future either. I'm thinking in the next couple of years, when he's ready to transition to kindergarten. Will he be ready? Will he be able to attend a regular class? Will he have the confidence and positive outlook necessary to cope with being around kids who are bigger, faster and, well, typical.

I had a meeting with the school team this month to discuss Max's progress and set new goals for the upcoming year. Everyone was pleased with his progress thus far as he has met all of his goals and even exceeded some of them. I know this program is a good fit for him, but he can't stay in this classroom forever. In the fall, Max will begin attending the regular kindergarten class for a portion of the morning, with an aide. This will give us a better idea of whether or not he'll be ready for mainstreaming the following Fall. My concern for him is whether or not we'll be able to find an aide for him; someone who will treat him with respect and kindness.

I worry because I always...yes, always....feel as if I'm not doing enough. I worry because I feel responsible for his future happiness. I worry because I am the mother of a child with special needs. But, perhaps I worry simply because I am a mother.

Remembering Zoey

Four years ago today, our daughter, Zoey (Max's twin) passed away after 8 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours and 35 minutes. The following is a simple poem I wrote for her that is engraved on her marker.

Zoey's Gift

A precious little angel was sent from Heaven above,
To bless us with her presence and grace us with her love.

She was our little miracle, innocent and pure,
Who made a lasting impression that will forever endure.

My darling little daughter you have changed our lives forever,
And offered us your gift of life that we will always treasure.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy